Dealing With Grief
Losing a parent is a rite of passage that most adults pass through, a time of reflection and change and for the majority of us it thankfully happens when we are mature and have our own families, but for one in seven Americans that loss will be experienced before they turn 20 years old. This startling statistic makes it a very real probability that during the course of your teaching career a student in your class will face the unimaginable.
The death of a parent presents a set of multi-faceted practical and emotional problems for families to work through.
These can include stressful upheavals like moving home, being cared for by a different adult, moving schools and financial burdens that develop when a breadwinner is lost. Children may deal with feelings of deep sadness, fear, and abandonment, especially if the deceased parent was the main caregiver or took responsibility for certain childcare duties. Children facing bereavement often worry about daily routines such as who will take them to soccer practice, or who will help them with their homework.
As expected, a profound sadness accompanies the loss of a parent, including periods of anger, confusion, worry, and even guilt.
How can teachers provide support and continuity when the worst happens?
Continuity Matters
First and foremost a bereavement creates a sense of uncertainty, therefore school needs to be predictable and stable. Don’t make any sudden physical changes to classroom layout, seating plans or resources. Try to ensure that the classroom represents a safe space where nothing has changed.
Compassionate but Consistent
Children coping with grief have had their lives turned upside down, they need boundaries like never before. Exercise gentle and thoughtful discipline, but the rules remain the rules.
Just Listen
Children sometimes feel overlooked in the planning and preparations that take part after a death. There is a flurry of busyness in organizing the funeral, donating the person’s possessions, arranging childcare and selling or moving out of property. In this rush of tasks, children can sometimes feel that no one has the time to listen to how they are feeling. Children often worry that by sharing their feelings they could upset a surviving parent or family member. Talking through traumatic events is a cathartic experience and an important part of the healing process. Try not to dictate the conversation with your own experiences, grief is different for everyone. Ask thoughtful questions and then listen.
Prepare the Other Students
After the death of a loved one most children just want to be treated in the same way as usual, yet it is very important that their classmates have been informed about their bereavement. Depending on the age group consider using a story about death to introduce the concept and focus on feelings and how they can show love and support to their classmate, once they return to school.
Research
Educate yourself about the grieving process, ways you can support children at different stages and if appropriate learn about the events or illness that caused the parents death. Teachers are natural learners and the more we know the more we can help. You can even suggest to your school administration that some professional development funds are used to have a counselor or therapist come and speak with the school staff about ways they can help.
Confront Your Own Feelings
The chances are that if a child in your class loses a parent, then the parent was known to you, you may have even been close. Seeing a child, you care about experience such profound loss is traumatizing in itself, identify and explore your own feelings about this incident. Your feelings matter too.
Communicate
Many teachers worry about “bothering” those grieving at home with news about the child, but communication between school and home is vital during this difficult period. Many relatives will appreciate your care and concern.
The loss of a parent will likely be the worst event that happens in a child’s life, and dealing with the aftermath may well be the most difficult time in your teaching career. With care, compassion and patience you can navigate this rocky terrain together.
Further Resources:
- The New York life Foundation has produced a very useful booklet on supporting grieving students.
- The BC Council for Families also produces a range of leaflets and pamphlets to cope with various stages of grief in children and young adults.
Fiona Tapp, is a Freelance Writer, Educator and Mom. An Expert in the field of Pedagogy, a teacher of 13 years and Master’s Degree holder in Education. Take a look at her website or blog to connect.